The End to the Experiment

I am officially closing this blog (or simply letting it die out). 

Two things:

1.) In the first week of September I had invited my master teacher (my immediate supervisor) to my Facebook. Unawares to me I had linked up this blog to my Facebook account. It wasn’t until two hours after I had accepted her invitation that I realized she was going to read this post. I quickly deleted the link on my Facebook – but my precautions were too little too late. In a span of 10 hours from the time she read it at 10pm, I was firedfrom my position as student intern.

Basically, I am now an official member of the dooced club. After getting in touch with my program director and after being told that under normal circumstances that student interns would be expelled from the program if given the boot from a principal…I was given a chance to explain my case to her and another high official at my university. Scared and shamed I went to the meeting, but long story short I was given a second chance; with conditions.

Unfortunately that was only the opener.

2.) Recent developments (~ 1 month ago) have deteriorated my standing in the dojo to the point that I have been “asked” to take a 2 week sabbatical from all dojo functions. My title as child instructor has also been taken away until further notice and my position as the community liaison for the dojo is on “indefinite” hold.

No words could describe the shame, distraught, and helplessness that I felt in the week following the meeting when one of the yudansha brought me the news that day. He acted on behalf of the other black belts and my Sensei.

I won’t get into detail in this so much but post-meeting I did remember acting out of line. My actions were cocky, inconsiderate, and not of a 1st kyu – who’s next belt would be black. I will also say that I unintentionally step on some toes – particularly some of the junior sensei – the lower ranking black belts. Fortunately – or unfortunately there were no transgressions done to both of my Sensei (as stated by him when I met him after the first meeting with the yudansha). I have too much respect for my Sensei to do such things, but I guess I am too much of a brat to do the same with the other ones.

I really don’t know what to say at this point. It’s been a week since I met up with my Sensei and although I felt better after our meeting (he did more than simply address what had transpired), I can’t help but feel that I single-handedly brought down the honor of the dojo.

Which brings me back to this blog.

For over a year I’ve chronicled my adventures in the art through my dojo. I’ve laid down some insightful posts…and some not so much (these were more personal in nature and did not pertain to the dojo). I have gained some friends, lost some, gained some more. I have detailed the art’s highlights to the best of my (in)ability and some of its nuances from the view of a rising rank holder.

That being said, the current revelations have made me realize that this blog is no longer an accurate, positive depiction of myself as an emergingaikidoist and as a psudo-representative of my dojo(s) and the teachings of my multiple sensei. It is with a heavy heart to also say that in a way, I have also let you – my few loyal followers – down. There’s a part of me that feels that I should have seen this coming, but in the interest of keeping what I have gained, I suppose I let my ego blind me.

I do plan on continuing to write in some capacity or another. However, I have decided, that in the interest of those parties affected by my intentional and unintentional actions, to close this blog.

When will I start-up again? Probably sometime soon or  sometime long into the future. Who knows, whenever that maybe I feel that my presence and my voice is no longer welcomed at this point.

When I’m allowed back into my dojo, I don’t know what will happen. My situation has been talked about through most of the members and through some of those outside. I feel a lot of emotions at the moment (even almost two weeks after the revelations): anger, shame, sadness, bitterness, etc.

Whatever happens though, I would like to thank those who have followed me since the beginning. Thank you, you made my first foray into theblogsphere memorable and worthwhile experience. It brings me sadness, with a bit of anger that my experiment has ended this way. If any of you are mad, disappointed, weirded (whatever) out at me; please go for it! I have nothing but honesty left. It’s really up to the Universe at this point. If you wish to continue to follow me, please leave a comment below and enter an email address or a medium where in the event that I bring up a blog, I may contact you.

Some of you might be asking “why did you do what you did?”. Without being too open (in the event those parties who are affected read this). The school thing was a professional miscalculation on my part. As for the dojo situation: there are some past mistakes that no matter how much you do to put them behind you, they just keep on coming back to screw things up.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I wish you well in your respective journeys.